I was raped!!

[chocolate]

well....this is the first time that I talk about what happened to me....so it is really hard to write here!!!I even don't know how to start writing....

so,...when I was 12 a friend of my father began to look at me in a strange way, but I didn't think about that a lot, but after some time he got really obtrusive and so it came that he raped me several times....

When I was 15 i was at a party and three guys were pushing me into a different room and then they raped me´....

and at least one year ago, I was on my way home from a disco when a man pushed me into his car and then he took me to a flat where he kept me over about 6 days and there he abused and raped me over the 6 days!!

I'm really done and I dont know how to go on.

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[shtria]

hi chocolate,

I'm sorry for what happened to you!
it's very difficult to go on after something like that, when you still suffer from these memories..
do you have someone in real life with you can talk about that? I think it's very difficult, but if you can tell somebody who understands you, it'll be a little better.

I've been raped, too. I was thirteen, and I didn't talk to anybody, so it became stronger and stronger. I thought if I didn't talk about it'll be less real, but that was an illusion. as i was twenty then, i've been in a relationship with a guy, who seemed lovely and okay, but he was a psychopath, too. it took me a long time to cope with all that happened, and I telled my therapist. not much, but now she knows pieces of what had happened. the memories are still inside me, and work. and now i know that I can't just throw the memories away, because they're still "alive", somehow.

are you in therapy, too? think that would help you a little bit...

kind regrets, s.

[that´s life]

Hi chocolate,

i want to tell you, that you are not alone. It was very awful and terrible. I can´t find the right words, my english is very small. I hope so much, that writing will help you. It think it helps, when you tell about your hurts. Maybe not soon, but it helps. I wish you so much energy how you need. It´s very hard, but please fight. Fight for your live. It´s your live, take it back.

life

[chocolate]

hey!!

thank you soooooooo much for your answers!!

Actually I don't have a person to who I can talk about everything...well, I have many good friends but I am afraid of their reactions...!!

@shitra: I'm sorry for what happened to you!!
and no, I'm not in therapy because I was too afraid of....I was really trying to forget all the stuff which happened to me...for some time it worked really well but at the moment, I recognize that I can't just forget it....you are right...the memories are getting stronger and stronger...!!

Well...I just have the feeling that it was my fault, although I normally know that it's not the victims fault, but it is hard to remember this when you are in such a situation...
I am afraid that people judge me for what happened...

@that's life: thank you so much for your support!! I know that I have to fight to get my life back...but it seems quit impossible for me at the moment!!

thanks again for your answers and your support!!

bye

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[shtria]

hi chocolate!

feeling guilty is one of the problems many raped women have. they think they did something that provocated that guy to doing something. but: "no" means "no", whatever one of these awful pigs (sorry) tells you, or tries to make you believe.

so, I agree - it's very difficult to tell somebody, I've been afraid, too. also I thought they wouldn't believe what I said, so I stayed silent on that. I tried to cope with on my own, I tried to push these memories away, tried to bury them deep inside me, hoping they'll leave me alone. but it only worked for a few years, until they buried me.

I think it would make sense if you choose one friend you really trust, and tell him or her. I'm sure they won't condemn you for you've experienced!

lots of strenght, s.

[that´s life]

Hi chocolate,

Yes, you need the right moment, to chance your live. I know, it´s not easy, but i know, when the time is come, you can forgive your self. Please don´t misunderstanding that. To forgive himself, is verry hard, because you have no blame. But it´s a verry importent detail, on your way to heal.

You made here a big step. You brake the silence. That´s a very hard step. Go only in your rate on. Give yourself so much time, that you need. That´s a long way, and this way is filled with a lot of self-awareness. On your way, you learn to love yourself. To see yourself.

I wish you all the best, and i hope so, that you can understand what i mean. Find your way, in your steps. I want to say you, it gives people, who can love you and who can protect you. I wish you, that you can meet peoples, who can help and hold you, so long as you need.

You are not alone, and I will write you, that I read your post´s. I hope that writing here, gives you a little relief.


life

[chocolate]

coucou....

Thanks for your support....

the last 2 days many things happened...yesterday I went to a club with some friends of mine and suddenly a guy touched me...I really felt a big fear coming up because I don't like if someone touches me....and when I wanted to turn around to look at the guy and to say that he should stop that and just in this moment I saw that it was one of the guys who raped me after a party....
then the tears ran down my face and I wanted to go but the guy stopped me just to say to me: "if you wanna have a great f*** just call me" and then he gave me his number on a sheet of paper....
I was so shocked....then I ran out of the club where my best friend came too. he asked me what has happened...but I didn't want to talk about it....but in the end I told him that this guy and two others had raped me after a party.....

I don't know what I have expected after talking with my friend....but his comment after I have told him what has happened was: "and how was it? You know this guy is cute, ...."
Is he stupid....that's unbelievable that my best friend said this...what he thinks....that I really liked what has happened?? NO!!!!!!!! It was horrible!!!!

[that´s life]

Oh yes, that was and that IS horrible. That must be a great shock for you, what your best friend said to you. That´s really unbelievable. What do you think, is your best friend doing now? Was he boozed? That was the one and only base for me, to speak with him over again.

Have you adequate power to speak with him, and told him how much he hurt you? With his unbelievable words?


That was a big stone in your way. I hope for you, that you can say him, how you feel now, and what kind of shit he told to you.

I hope, you had a chance to get real help. Have you ever think on a helpline? First anonym?


by
life

[chocolate]

hey life!!

You know....the words of my best frien were really terrible but the most terrible thing is, that I've met the guy who has raped me....
I have to think of him all of the time....he is so disgusting, and then his smiling face when he said that to me....why does this guy do that.....4 years have already passed since these 3 guys raped me at the party and now he comes to me with a smiling face and asks me to call him if I want to have sex...

my best friend has already called me to say that he is sorry for what he has said but he said that he just drank too much alcohol and he is really sorry....so it is ok for me now!!

[shtria]

hi chocolate,

"and how was it? You know this guy is cute, ...."

oh my god drinking too much is no excuse that way. I often thought guys can't really understand what's meaning for a woman being raped. the most abnormal comment, a guy told me about getting raped, was "rape means a woman who changes her mind after having sex with someone" (but, these words were spoken by my ex, who also raped and violenced me in some other ways)
but try to forget this reaction, he seems not to know

yes, meeting that guys again is a terrible feeling.
did you think about telling the police? if you've got his telephone number...?

I think you'll need a woman you can talk to - I think you'll need professional help, to cope with that experience, and to feel better. it takes very much time, but it's worth it. don't let these *sorry* assholes destroy your life!!

never give up!
s.

[that´s life]

Hi chocolate,

That guy feel save, because he know, you do not go to the police. He feel strong and potent. That is terrible and unbelievable. He had no conscience. I know to take help is very hard. But it is also a chance, to take an end of your fear. I hope you are on your way, to put the right moment to fight. You wrote, you cannot do that now. I can understand this. You had opened your soul, here. That is a big step. Be good to yourself. Time and help can chance many things.

Have you spoken with your best friend? Can he help you? Is him your fear now clearly?

I hope, he can hold you, and he can help you. Friends can help you to find professional help. He can not be your healing, but he can hold you, on your hard way, back into your live without fear.


I know, what is fear of contact. I found my way to fight, and now I am free. I never forget, what was happened, but I am free and live my life.

Find your moment, your moment will come- than stand up and fight. Catch your live, and never give it away.


excuse my bad english



life

[chocolate]

thanks for your answers....

well....my best friend has already called me to say that he is soooo sorry about what he said and that it wasn't meant like this!! and I really believe him. maybe it was because he was drunk and he didn't know what to say?? i have no idea what was going on with him!!

now he is really glad that he knows it and he really wants to help me, but I am not really sure if I already feel like accepting his help!?!

I also thought of going to the police but I can't do it now....I'm not ready for this but now I have his number and I can also go to the police later!!

at the moment it feels good to write here...maybe in some weeks I can look for a professional help, but not now...!!

thanks for everything

[twilight-zone]

Hello chocolate,

I hope, it`s not too late to answer

...I can`t find any word for these things that happened to you...it`s just unbelievable...
Im really sorry for you...

Like the others who wrote to you, I think too, that alcohol is no reason to say things like this to you. Maybe, your best friend is sorry about it, but excuse me, all the same: it`s no reason...

I don`t know, if it`s a good idea to get help from him, to talk about this things to him.
It`s always better to get professional help, there are helplines, where you can talk anonymous to a person, who REALLY understands your feelings.

I imagine, you`re feeling ashamed (and guilty), but let me tell you, that there is no reason for you to feel ashamed, these guys should feel like this.

I know, it`s really good to write here, but please don`t wait too long to get help in the "real life" and to go to the police. By the way: how could this guy be so stupid to give his number to you? looks like he drank too much, too...(sorry)...

please care for yourself...

tz (I hope, you`ll excuse my bad english, I`m still learning )

[chocolate]

hey twilight-zone!!

No, it is never too late. thanks for answering!!

You said that you don't think my best friend is the right person to talk to about everything what has happened, but he is the person in which I trust the most!

It is just so hard to contact a stranger to talk about that. i know that there are anonymous hotlines where I could call but these people there are totally strangers for me and I can't trust them!!

I have already waited so long...so I think that some weeks more don't really matter!! but I don't know...at the moment it feels like I know nothing what I could do!!

chocolate

[twilight-zone]

Hi chocolate,

No, it is never too late. thanks for answering!!

...I`m glad about it...

...I know what it`s like to have no person to talk to. I understand it very well, it`s hard, I know...

It is just so hard to contact a stranger to talk about that. i know that there are anonymous hotlines where I could call but these people there are totally strangers for me and I can't trust them!!

yes, they are strangers and I imagine, that it`s difficult for you to call them. But it also can be good to talk to a person, which doesn`t know you, because you would be anonymous and people with problems often can talk better this way, the person on "the other side" of the "phone" can`t see your face, doesn`t know, who you are. I think, you`ll although be emberassed, that won`t stop from one day to the next. But it can be very easier to talk this way. It can be a good first step.

but he is the person in which I trust the most!

what`s about other persons? A female friend often understands things like this much better. Or what`s about your parents? Or someone else in your family? Is there just these one boy you trust in?

have already waited so long...so I think that some weeks more don't really matter!! but I don't know...at the moment it feels like I know nothing what I could do!!

ok, I understand. Really. But after this some weeks: what are your plans? What will you do?

To write here is a wonderful good step, I know , but it is just a first step.

tz

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