Re: Please help me..

[Loster]

Sometimes,young kids will do something stupid, like i did.
About nine years ago,my family has something change, it's a difficult time for us, I think that's starting point of my problem.
I started become one alone, nobody will help me,because a little child's problem is not important than adults's job and life.I don't talk to others, and I learned how to lie,how to hide my real emotions,just let my teachers and parents thought I just worry about my grades,but not my psychological troubles.
Till I get in the high school, I almost stopped communicating with others .Whoever talk to me , I only said"em","yes","no",or keep silent.Nobody told me that's not good, and I didn't expect it to have a lasting and serious impact on me.
I cut my self,I became interested in the color of blood.I think red is beautiful,and I want to feel pain,that can makes me feel I am alive.Everyday I come back to the dormitory from school,I will dancing in the room(only me lived).I turn off the light,light a candle and watched it burn out.And then I lay on the floor,stopped think ,just want to die like this.
When I cut off contact with the outside world,my inner world became richer and weirder.I taught myself to hypnotize and psychology to do some thing "interesting".After about a year of constant self-suggestion, the thing I can "see" is more than just reality.There are more than cars running on the streets;There's not just human walking on the road,and always many "things" fly on the sky.I felt that's good,I was enjoy the world only I can see and have it.
But the troubles are followed.
Because I am addicted to the illusory psychological world,I lost any attachment or pursuit in the real world.I don't have any friends,except for my invisible "friends".My grades plummeted,even failed in the college entrance examination;I was estranged from my family,and honestly,I don't think of them as my family.That "home",that house was hell for me,I can only feel fear, pain, loneliness and grievance for more than a decade.But one good news for me is when I was 18 years old , I already strong enough, my father can't beat me anymore,he won't get a chance to slap my face again.
Everything changed during my college years.
In the university,my unique and weird nature attracted the attention of my peers,I don't care about people's sight
at all,but I started to get motivated.I want more,something real,like skills,knowledge,and thought,not just my virtual world.But anytime I tried to focus,those people and animals will appear before my eyes.Just like my eyes are covered with a membrane,I know the reality is behind that membrane,but I can't take it down,even I closed my eyes.For the entire two years of college,the only one thing I did is fighting with my fantasy.It cannot give me happy and peace anymore, only makes me tired,pain and empty.I have no one can tell,because these things is so stupid! I shame for my past , and I still suffer for my memories.And now?It has not only affected my life and my work,more influenced my perception of reality.
After a few attempts to communicate with others (it's very difficult for me to confide in others),I basically got an objective understanding of my situation.I'm a guy with autism and acting personality disorder.The answer came from a discussion with the only one friend I had,but I didn't told him everything about me.I do have autism ,and that's the reason why others feel I am a oddball guy,difficult to contact.But it wasn't a big problem for me, and the real big trouble was that I couldn't stop the hallucinations, they were so real, they talked to me.Every time I talk to them, we talk about philosophy and psychology, but then I always regret that I shouldn't have done it.
I don't know how long this will bother me,I can no longer ignore it,and also realized that I alone could not solve my problem.
I hope to get some constructive ideas to help me clear my mind,or some advice and method that can help me out of my predicament.

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