Counseling & Psychotherapy Discussion Board

Hello!

I am having a relationship for half a year now. When we were starting our relationship, my boyfriend have asked only one thing from me..honesty. He asked me "can I trust you?" and I answered him the same question, then he said, yes you can trust me. So I said...ok then you can trust me. As he would like to know my past, I shared it to him in details because I want him to trust me and to know me as a person.
I am a sentitive and passionate kind of woman and that is the reason why he fall inlove with me. As I expected from him...he shared to me part of his past. We are happy in our relationship but there is one thing that disturbs me...his connection with his XGF(she is still inlove and hoping for him to come back). They broke up about six years ago but they keep in touch because they share common friends.
This month, I am having my holiday here in Europe and staying at my boyfriends apartment, this is my first time to come to his apartment since I am from Asia. While my boyfriend was in a business trip I was alone at home and to keep myself busy I did some cleaning and found the letter(dated 6 years ago)of his XGF. It was not in English so I translated it on internet. Note: at first I don´t have an idea who´s the letter from and it was type written. In the letter which is not addressed to him said how they started the relationship and how it finished, but something strikes me at the last two pages. She was telling that after the break up they still had Sex for a few times. It disturbs me so I asked him, and he said that it never happened and was upset to me because why can´t I just trust him and believe him? Because I am alone here in his apartment, some of his close friends promised him that they will take care of me, so they would invite me for a drink and have some conversation. While with his friends, I can´t help but asked them if its true that he still had sex with her XGF after they finish the relationship, and his friends said..yes its true..a few times but it was more than 5 years ago and now they are just friends and told me not to worry because he loves me and I can trust him. Two days after I arrived here, we went with his friends to a bar for drinks and his friend have said that 2 or 3 weeks before I arrived they: my boyfriend and his XGF and onother friend had dinner together. At first I didn´t mind it because I thought they were in a group. But today when his friend invited me for a drink in his house we have talked about the matter and I asked (out of curiousity) how many people had dinner with the XGF. His good friend said 3 my boyfriend, him and the XGF of my boyfriend. Yesterday my boyfriend said that he has no pysical contact with his XGF anymore, but because they have same set of friends, it cannot be avoided to meet her in parties or when they go to the stadium to watch football because they are in the same club. He said if she avoid her then he will not gonna see his other friends anymore. I just wonder then why they still had dinner together and he didn´t told me about it. I still have to talk to him about the matter. But he will surely be upset if I open it up to him. He assured me that he really love me and I should trust him...can I?

Dear Luckystar,

what happened since your last post here?

Just as there are different kinds of relationships, there are also very different ways to deal with each other after a separation. Some former couples still remain friends after splitting up (they might even have been friends for a long time already before they started to decide to start a relationship), even if they found out that they couldn't deal well with the different rules and challenges a relationship between them involved. So while staying in contact or even having dinner on an occasional basis might be natural for many, the crucial question is exactly the one you have asked: can you 'trust' him, i.e., is he lying to you or promising something he doesn't intend or isn't able to keep? Is he really committed to you?

Whether he or you yourself like it or not: I guess you will need answers to these questions to calm your heart - and as a good partner he should understand that (even though he might indeed be shattered by your worries at first) and explain his situation and feelings to you. I am sure that this will give you more information and a sense of what is going on, and it can also help both of you to clarify what you need in your relationship.

All the best,
Richard L. Fellner

First of all i like to say that you have less Confident or you can't trust people for long time period.So don't be ask any one.Just trust on your self and do what you are thinking.

Luckystar wrote:I should trust him...can I?

I don´t trust nobody absolutely. If somebody has doubt probably there are reasons. Trust is good - control is better. A morbid jealousy is not helpful.

don't trust on men they are always bastards. they will never speak truth. just make a move now.

What happened in the end regarding this?

I thing he is using you and you should need to break the relationship.