Counseling & Psychotherapy Discussion Board

Last September I had my wish fulfilled to start a relationship with a woman I knew from therapy. She is a beauty, but also a vibrant and emotional character.

She is 41, I am older, but from the first night on I have felt very clumsy in dealing with her sexual preferences. She told me she does not feel anything during penetration and though I perfectly succeed in providing the oral alternative, I encountered a problem I never knew before: on entering her vagina, my erection disappears. I get a sensation of doing something wrong, almost of raping her. It is a great disappointment to her. Not to mention me…

But now it comes out. Having expressed my worry of being impotent to my ex, she seduced me into having sex and it went perfectly. Believe me, the moral part is weighing heavily on me, but I am hoping someone has some advice for me on the other issue.

I know male opinions about female orgasm have to change and I do not need the most recent percentages. I am prepared to except that apparently the majority of women cannot come during penetration, but am I the only man who feels out of place when inside such a woman's body? What I would like to know is how these women want their partners to attain satisfaction. Masturbate?

Hello mandel,

to start a sexual relationship by telling the partner he/she can basically masturbate with one's body but shouldn't expect to cause any joy on the other side, places anything else than a good benchmark for the future, let alone the following sexual encounter... Having relaxed sex and to mutually enjoy it will be a very difficult task to achieve for this couple.
What I'm asking myself is what brought this woman to expect you to keep up your erection after such a statement? How must her former partners have behaved?

There are 'rumors' that women who usually can't achieve an orgasm during penetration can nevertheless enjoy sex a lot - and for whom it is normal to show that to their partner as well, just as a good male partner who is stimulating the woman to an orgasm will not give her the feeling that he's just 'doing business'...

Is your therapy still ongoing?

kind regards,
Richard L. Fellner

R.L.Fellner wrote: What I'm asking myself is what brought this woman to expect you to keep up your erection after such a statement?

Dear Mr.Fellner, I can’t tell you what an enormous relief I felt reading this one line just now…. I will answer more fully when I can write coherently again. For the moment I feel like celebrating, thank you so much!


Yes, I am still in therapy, but individually now.

Best regards,

mandel.

R.L.Fellner wrote: There are 'rumors' that women who usually can't achieve an orgasm during penetration can nevertheless enjoy sex a lot

That's no rumor, its real.

My dear mens , women become pregnant and baby on the way outside will make too much pain if there are many nervs inside vagina. So women's most pleasure is stimulation outside. Together with penetration, with pleasure also bevore and after.

@mandel: I'm a women who prefer outspoken and not simulate fun. Not at first date, ok.

Hm, i hope that my bad english make the topic not to jolly. By the time more user will be here and answer- today i save women before ineradicable prejudices as good i can... .

best regards

Onion

@ onion

I'd like your answer very much (although I think, that there was a little difficulty of communication )

Best wishes,
Lucy

Hi Guys,
Very nice discussion, thanks for sharing your views at this forum.

Thanks Again
Mannu

Hi guys !!!

I am new to this site, I am very happy to be here. I must to say it's a nice discussion place. Keep it up !!!!!

Hello mandel.

There are times that I cannot have orgasm if my boyfriend is too lazy to do some foreplay (mostly when he´s tired)...I think most women needs caress and passion during sex to have an orgasm, not just to penetrate.

Mandel, I knew reading your post that you were affected by the lady's statement about not feeling anything by penetration. This interfered with your expressing your sexuality and no doubt you would lose your erection. A man I have been involved with described a woman in his past to whom he was beginning a relationship. She directed him to do this and do that etc.... took the pleasure out of it for him. Both partners need to share with one another, not direct. On a personal note, I have noticed through the years that my own orgasms are not guaranteed by penetration. As the author of Sex For Dummies mentioned...Men must go south if they really want to please their partners. Once I knew what I needed from my partner (trantic rather than just penetration), I evolved into becoming multi-orasmic. Now that can scare a man. however, above all, it is experiencing my partner's pleasure that excites me most.

Hi all

I hope Mandel found a solution in the last 4 years since then. I think the therapy was helpful too.

i wonder about my partner and I . when we have intercourse.. i can be on top.. and make love for 15 to 20 mins and she gets excited but no orgasm, at which point im tired and need a break, because ive been going like hard and steady for the long. But if she gets on top of me during sex, she can orgasm usually in less than 10 mins of steady sex . so is it the angle or something? or am i just that bad in bed..

Hi deefy, welcome on board!

The female orgasm has an other graph with a moderate progress.

R.L.Fellner wrote: There are 'rumors' that women who usually can't achieve an orgasm during penetration can nevertheless enjoy sex a lot - and for whom it is normal to show that to their partner as well, just as a good male partner who is stimulating the woman to an orgasm will not give her the feeling that he's just 'doing business'...

I hope you don't mind me chiming in here, but I was in the same boat a long time ago. It felt to me, being on the opposite end of the spectrum, that I was just doing a womanly purpose of letting my partner have sex with me.

I did not enjoy it either so sought out advice. I was told to try mutual masturbation as a way of sharing pleasure, instead of him getting pleasure. Furthermore I was instructed to try a small bullet that is to be hold over the clitoris during intercourse. We also enjoyed using the bullet during times of mutual masturbation. I can't tell you how much this small device helped our sexual issues. To feel vibration on the clitoris while he penetrated was incredible, it actually felt really, really good.

I felt like I could easily orgasm with him inside me which actually made us feel connected through mind, body and soul. I would have never thought one of these devices could have such a powerful, positive impact. I was told to purchase a thin bullet, it's very different then an egg becuase the narrow length matched the narrow length of my index finger allowing me to slip my hand between my body and his to hold the bullet in it's spot. I was emailed a page of specific choices and told to pick from one of these and I choose the Micro Bullet, the purple one becuase my idea of trying toys wasn't so keen, therefore a smaller device seemed like the best since it's "like having nothing at all".

I can't tell you enough how much better my sex life is and I sincerely hope this helps you too. I would have never through of this idea on my own, so I share the idea with you toady. Have a super day everyone and thanks for listening to my problem & solution!

Frillylil wrote: I felt like I could easily orgasm with him inside me which actually made us feel connected through mind, body and soul. I would have never thought one of these devices could have such a powerful, positive impact. I was told to purchase a thin bullet, it's very different then an egg because the narrow length matched the narrow length of my index finger allowing me to slip my hand between my body and his to hold the bullet in it's spot. I was emailed a page of specific choices and told to pick from one of these and I choose the Micro Bullet, the purple one because my idea of trying toys wasn't so keen, therefore a smaller device seemed like the best since it's "like having nothing at all".

I do think each partner own it to themselves to "do their husbandly or wifely duties" even women are feeling the urge for love whereas men just want to sleep. To share in the moment can be a compromise and nothing sexy or anything, but that's where the bullet makes the "duty" into the potential for something fun. It's amazing what a little warming lube and the toy can do when you're "not in the mood". especially when a couple has a mismatched sex drive - which always happens. primarily due to age. Women reach their sexual peak much later in life then men and often the guy gets the ride and needs to lay there for her - but of course, we RARELY hear men complain about this job!